Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Friends hurt us?

I have been going through a crisis in the last day and a half with reading some old comments on earlier blogs. I went back and looked at Getting Over It yesterday and that was probably my rawest posting so far. One of the hard things about blogging is that anyone can post a comment. And some hurtful and judgmental things were posted about that blog.
Now, I'd be really sad if people that didn't know who I was from being upset about moving to another country and losing my job and getting sick and anxious and depressed but being unable to work read the post. But I wouldn't be nearly as upset as if a close personal friend busted my chops about feeling anger towards the school board and church for what happened.
I'm working at being positive all the time. I've got no time for anyone's negativity. If you want to help me great. If you want to correct and judge me, I've got no time for you. I'm trying to get better. Maybe we can all learn how to suffer well together.
Chantal was great. I will talk about her later.
Moving forward!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

The way back-xanax?

I haven't been on here as regularly as I'd like, and part of the reason is that my head just hasn't been right. I was doing so well-being an encourager for the family but at the same time as being an agoraphobe, keeping up with my quiet times, and generally being very patient with my daughter, although not being a particularly fun dad since I don't leave home much. I have some kind of longstanding health things that I think are hormonal from having been so very stressed over the last 10 or so years, probably much longer. And terrible stomach problems that torment me almost every meal, made much worse by the only truly healthy ingredient I've recently added to my life-running
I know God doesn't owe me anything-a job, a life and career, a good marriage. I just started out on this journey really wanting to serve him and being idealistic enough to think I'd be rewarded. It's nowhere in the Bible, Jesus and Paul were terribly abused, but I don't think I'm alone in thinking this wasn't how things would turn out. Unfortunately, the quiet person bears the brunt of my anger and disappointment over all these developments, and that can be and usually is God and sometimes my wife. And since God doesn't talk back or defend himself, that's who I have trouble forgiving and wanting to continue serving.
I listened to JP Moreland lecture not too long ago about what once constituted a noble life 100 years ago or so. And that was caring about others more than self. Not feeling well has led to not thinking well and has made me very selfish. I have read some research online about xanax making stomach problems and agoraphobia better but there is a high cost-physical dependency. I've been taking it for about 3 weeks and tried to stop it for the last day and a half and guess what? It has been awful. No sleep and terrible guts and generally all the darkness of the world has crushed down. So I guess I'll have to be a drug addict for awhile longer.
I want to be better for my family. I haven't had any choice in the bad things that have happened but I can't hate God and all the people that were supposed to be his people that have treated me and my family so poorly.
So, I'm still stay-at-home Dad. And I love my family enough to stay addicted to drugs if it makes my life and therefore theirs a little better.
See you again here soon with notes from the Chantal Kreviazuk concert we'll be at tomorrow night.