I haven't been on here as regularly as I'd like, and part of the reason is that my head just hasn't been right. I was doing so well-being an encourager for the family but at the same time as being an agoraphobe, keeping up with my quiet times, and generally being very patient with my daughter, although not being a particularly fun dad since I don't leave home much. I have some kind of longstanding health things that I think are hormonal from having been so very stressed over the last 10 or so years, probably much longer. And terrible stomach problems that torment me almost every meal, made much worse by the only truly healthy ingredient I've recently added to my life-running
I know God doesn't owe me anything-a job, a life and career, a good marriage. I just started out on this journey really wanting to serve him and being idealistic enough to think I'd be rewarded. It's nowhere in the Bible, Jesus and Paul were terribly abused, but I don't think I'm alone in thinking this wasn't how things would turn out. Unfortunately, the quiet person bears the brunt of my anger and disappointment over all these developments, and that can be and usually is God and sometimes my wife. And since God doesn't talk back or defend himself, that's who I have trouble forgiving and wanting to continue serving.
I listened to JP Moreland lecture not too long ago about what once constituted a noble life 100 years ago or so. And that was caring about others more than self. Not feeling well has led to not thinking well and has made me very selfish. I have read some research online about xanax making stomach problems and agoraphobia better but there is a high cost-physical dependency. I've been taking it for about 3 weeks and tried to stop it for the last day and a half and guess what? It has been awful. No sleep and terrible guts and generally all the darkness of the world has crushed down. So I guess I'll have to be a drug addict for awhile longer.
I want to be better for my family. I haven't had any choice in the bad things that have happened but I can't hate God and all the people that were supposed to be his people that have treated me and my family so poorly.
So, I'm still stay-at-home Dad. And I love my family enough to stay addicted to drugs if it makes my life and therefore theirs a little better.
See you again here soon with notes from the Chantal Kreviazuk concert we'll be at tomorrow night.
i hear ya, jody. i'm a drug addict, too, to make me a less miserable person-- and it was hard for me to decide to be one, but it's been worth it. i'll pray for your health (mental and otherwise) as i pray for mine, too. like i told jill on her post, i'm right there with you, from here...
ReplyDeletethanks for responding. i'm really nervous about mine since it has also been a recreational drug for a lot of people. but also now since i can't seem to do without it.
ReplyDeletei will pray for you. seems like be able to watch the rugby live on TV would help me a little bit but I'm sure Lia would never go for it.
you never know, jody... maybe she'll love it and play when she gets bigger! i know a few girls who used to play. =D
ReplyDeletemy gp tells me that for a lot of people, such drugs are really only short-term. that it's few people who actually need them for longer than six to eight months, because they generally retrain their brain chemistry in that time. that's what i'll hope for both of us. =)
are you on a benzo too? i think i read no xanax in the UK.
ReplyDeleteI'm trying to get off this thing now. seems to cause too many side effects and my gp just gave it cause i asked.
i didn't know what i was getting in to.
i'm on sertraline, which is a generic for... something. i can't remember. i've been on it for most of the year, but i'm not convinced it's worked a treat. i think i have too many other issues (underactive thyroid, for one) that aggravate the depression... but who knows. i don't mind being on it, just in case. =)
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